Neglect, et al.

Okay, I admit it... I'm a bad person for not writing in this more.

I always worry that what I put up here will be uninteresting or dull. But I have no idea why that is. Fear of failure doesn't seem to stop othere folks who have really cheesy blogs. (And I have seen many.) So, I guess I will join the ranks of the mediocre in this case and just keep trying.

On the burgeoning acting front, I just finished my third straight show for the MCC theater dept. I have to say I think I liked this one the least -- not for anything particular element, though; I just didn't feel connected to the piece as I have to the others in the past. The play was a French farce that just felt awkward to do the whole time we ran through it. It was still a job well done, though... and we did have a great cast party (which I feel obligated to speak no more of). Maybe I'll through a few pictures of the show up in my Flickr account when I get them in. I should also post the photos from my previous shows. More auditions coming up tomorrow as well. I really should take a break, but I feel like if I stop I will jinx this streak I'm on of continuously being cast in shows. Maybe that's superstitious of me, but I don't care. In addition, I will be working on shows at ASU next semester and preparing for a few class-related projects that I cannot officially speak of for a couple of weeks.

Okay, that was an awkward segue into talking about school, I admit. I'll get better, honest. Anyway, finals start this week and I can certainly say that I am sooooo not ready for this semester to end. I think I was a little more focused on the shows I was in than I should have been and it might reflect in my grades. Yikes. I'm definitely going to do my best to get ahead on my studies for next semester so that I am ready. I'm going to be busier than ever, splitting a total of 19 credit hours between two schools, shows and the aforementioned extracurricular activity. I also need to find a new job. I left my former employer to work on these shows and I probably should not have done that. They paid pretty well for the work I did and the benefits were great. I'm not sure if I should mention the company (hint: rhymes with "bells cargo") but I would certainly be willing to work for them again if I could find a position that fit my crazy schedule. But I digress. Maybe I overload myself sometimes with things, but some of this is important to me, both professionally (as an actor) and personally. I hope something comes of all this college because I don't know yet how I will handle all this psychotic debt I've had to accrue to finish my degree.

And on other fronts, I have to get for a moment here. In the past six months or so, the bulk of my immediate family (my primary source of professional support) moved far away from here. It is certainly the furthest we have all been apart since... I almost can't remember when. I spent Thanksgiving at my brother's new place in New Mexico in between rehearsals for my show. I have to say that as much as I am not fond of the state as a whole, I find that I was almost reluctant to leave. I am glad that my brother and his family have escaped this town after so long here, but it's lonely being left behind. I miss the Sundays spent hanging out with him, watching football when it was in season (Go Broncos... I guess. I'm not much for the sport.) or driving like a maniac in GTA: San Andreas out of season.

I suppose the isolation never really hit me until a couple of weeks ago. I blame my sister!! Okay, I don't really. She met this guy recently and we all went out to lunch a few weeks back after I sat in on playing a handbell gig. (For more on that... use a search engine.) He's a good guy and she (and has) done far worse. I think the impact that it has had on me is to really start to feel my age. I am 32 years old and I am alone. And it sucks. So what is stopping me from simply going on a date? I could come up with any number of snappy excuses, but the truth is that I may be too afraid.

For example, there is a girl I know -- I refuse to say where for now. I've known her for a while now, ever since we first had a class together. She is intelligent, witty, attractive... and lord knows I have had endless opportunities over the past couple of years to ask her. So what stops me? I'm guessing a combination of perfectionism, cowardice and just plain fear of rejection. Last night, for instance, I had the perfect opportunity to ask her. We were walking out to the parking lot and I kept telling myself, Just ask her, man. You have nothing to lose, really. If she says "no", just shrug it off and move on, okay soldier? And we got to our cars and I turned and said... "good night"?!!! She returned the words and got in her car. When I turned to my own car I actually heard myself mutter, "Fucking coward".

Truthfully, I think I'm afraid to let anyone else in. I feel like I have been alone for so long and to expose myself in that way may just be too much. I put myself out there every time I audition or have to speak in voice class. I make myself vulnerable for the work, so why can't I do that for other areas of my life? Hell, why am I doing it here?

At least here, I know there's a pretty good chance that no one will read it. And I can always erase it if I wish.