Why the hell am I doing this to myself?!!

Ok, so about 1 1/2 years ago, I joined Weight Watchers at the behest of my doctor to lose weight. Fine, fair enough.

It all started smoothly enough I think, but for the last year I really haven't been getting anywhere. And I started thinking the title question to myself in relation to the money that I've been spending and the time to go to meetings in rooms full of strangers -- usually all middle-aged housewives -- and sit like you're in Driver's Ed and listen to "the leader" talk about a given topic for the week. I've sat through a few different leaders lately, trying to see if there was one that really connected with me... and there isn't. One just talked about her cat all the time; another one kept looking at me in mock pity whenever one of the other attendees mentioned their husband/significant other (I was the only male in the building).

But the biggest truth of all of this is that I really never wanted to figure out why I'm doing it. From an intellectual standpoint I know all the positives for losing the weight but I am failing to connect with myself emotionally to find the drive I need to push through it and see myself through the program.

I think a part of it comes from feeling like I have to do it alone. Even in a room of other people trying for a healthier life, I feel completely isolated. I suppose it's just an extension of how I've been my whole life. As a kid, I buried myself in books at all hours of the day. Later, that was substituted by the Internets and other various electronic distractions. Even now as I'm typing this, I can't get away from being by myself. I'm sitting on campus in an isolated corner of the library. I shut myself off from the world to be alone with my thoughts. Why?

I suppose I think they're too dark and personal to share with anyone, but if that were the case, would I really be putting them down here for all the world to see? Probably not, since I usually pretty sure that no one reads this anyway.

Once again, alone in a crowd... but I digress a bit. Back to the weight thing.

I often think the issue might if I'm content with where I am in terms of poundage. I never really give it a lot of thought, I suppose. Maybe that's the problem... mindless eating, not being in the moment with the food, if that makes any sense. I could try to vow that I will be better with my food selections and portions, but I'd forget in the morning anyway.

Maybe I lack accountability with my weight loss. I obviously can't be accountable to myself, as that hasn't worked. I don't really feel beholden to the folks at Weight Watchers either. My parents are now about 1700 miles away from me, but even when they only lived down the freeway, I didn't feel accountable. My brother's fit as a fiddle and he may also be moving soon... and I won't deal with my sister on that front. Once again, we come back to isolation.

My, my, how I have rambled on about this. I'd like to say I have something upbeat to end this post with, but that's life. I'll be better some other time.