First, here's the blurb on the DVD sleeve for Kung Fu Arts:
The movie starts off with two rollerskating ninjas where one carries the cargo of a monkey with superpowers. The two ninjas are rivals, who belong to the Horse and Tiger Clans, who battle for the control of the monkey who, if he eats the secret banana will become the ruler of the universe.
Well, it was accurate... to the extent that there is a monkey in the film.
The film stars Carter Wong, who is best known in the US for playing "Thunder" the inflatable weather demon in Big Trouble in Little China, which I still think is one of the funniest and best action films ever. He plays Qing Chi, a warrior who has a thing on the side with the king's daughter, apparently. He gets betrayed by one of his superiors and sends himself into exile until his kung fu is strong enough to beat said superior.
As a result of the first fight, the princess (his beloved) is wounded. When the king's physician cannot do anything for her, a royal decree goes out promising the hand of the princess in marriage to whomever cures her. When the aforementioned monkey (listed in the credits as "Sada the French Monkey Star") shows up, the king is honor-bound to wed the monkey to the princess. To avoid further shame, he sets the princess and her monkey-husband adrift at sea in a boat, where they eventually wash up on an island and decide to live out their days in peace. The princess eventually gives birth to a son, which she and the monkey raise. Don't freak -- Qing is actually the father. But even I wondered for a bit.
Meanwhile, back in the kingdom, Pai (the evil one, remember) kills the king and takes over after the king had named him Commander-in-Chief of the army at the queen's behest. Apparently, the queen had sided with Pai because she had the hots for him. She tries to seduce him again after he ascends to the throne, but he kills her, too. Qing discovers the truth and travels to the island to find the princess, whom everyone believes is dead by now. That's where he meets his son and loved one. It turns out the mokey was his. I still wonder where the "secret banana" comes into play.
In any case, Qing decides to return to China to kill Pai in his sleep and is promptly caught in the attempt. I can't believe he thought Pai, who did the same thing to the previous king, would fall for that. Pai throws him in prison and sends soldiers to the island to collect the princess, but they conveniently overlook the son, who then rallies the island's critters (oddly enough, all monkeys) to help him rescue his mother. Oh, and his father, too, I suppose. I'll let you guess the ending to this one, but it can't be a total mystery.
In the 4 paragraphs it took to describe this, about ten years passes... in the movie, I mean. It felt much, much longer when watching it. I found it interesting that Pai had a real fetish for stabbing people when they least expect it. It happened on no less than three occasions and they were all people close to him. Why wouldn't folks figure this out? Plus another disappointing aspect was that there were, in fact, no ninjas -- on roller skates or otherwise -- and no mention of any "secret banana" which, as the blurb above stated, would make the eater of the banana ruler of the universe. I wish I had that banana...
All in all, a very painful movie to sit through. Props to Carter Wong for the effort, though... he acted the hell out of his role, in addition to choreographing all the fights. It was just badly shot & scripted (hopefully, it lost a lot in the translation.)
Pain rating: 4 Fingers of Death
Up tomorrow... Shaolin Deadly Kicks
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